Who loves their jobs either 100% of the time, or loves all parts of your job and what it entails? Who has been happy with their job for a while, or unhappy? I think we all have at some point, felt these feelings and struggled with these thoughts. Some of us may have even thought about writing letters, whether they be resignation letters, or something else. After much debate, I decided to write a letter to advocacy to talk about my feelings, and, I’m taking it a step further. By sharing it with all of you. So, here’s my letter to advocacy. I hope it’s something you can all relate to as advocates.

Dear Advocacy,

We have a lot to talk about, the I have some things to say to you.

When I first met you, I was nervous, but, I fell in love with you pretty quickly. When for lack of a better way to put it, I married you, I thought it was a match made in heaven. You gave me purpose, a way out of a bad situation, etc. You saved my life. Or, at the time, I thought you had and would. You brought me to places and people that I’d never been to or met before, and wouldn’t have gone to and met otherwise. I was greatful beyond words. You gave me chances and I took them because I felt safe.
But, then, I screwed up in September. While it was rough, I got through it. I chalked it up to stress and, I got other opportunities, and took them. I seen some of the worst of humanity etc, and, while it hurt, I could deal with it. Because you cared about me, or I thought you did.
Then December happened, and, I thought you cared then, you saved me, and offered support. You brought me back to life or at least it seemed you had. Then in January and Feburary, when me and a great friend of mine got treated like shit, and pushed out, I stuck it out. It was just a rough patch.
Then the chair of one of the advocacy groups in this state resigned, and Lauren’s Law came into being, and, I had to take 2 months off. Then, you turned on me. You shamed me for my deteriorating mental state. You said I didn’t belong at your table, I didn’t deserve to be an advocate. All while also giving me an award! You make me question who I can and can’t trust now! You make me question my sanity, my safety etc!
You have and continue to bleed me dry emotionally and mentally and have taken the money and ran. You’ve put me through hell.

Yet, in spite of all of this, I still love you. I still care about you. I still wayt you in my life in some capacity or other. Because I can’t see a life without you, and, if I leave you or divorce you, you’d find ways to pull me back in.

Advocacy, I’m thinking about leaving you, and contimplating divorce. If I do leave, I would want to take my closest frs/conections, and certain cases with me.

If you want and need me to stay, some things have to change. You better start treating me like and as an equal. You need to have and make a seat at the table for me, and help me fight to keep it. I want and need backup and support when and if I have to fight. Even if and when we don’t have the same opinions. I need you to accept me as I am, and, respect my mental health and the challenges that come with it. You need to respect and recigonize me in general, and, respect and recigonize the knowledge, work, etc. The uncertainty has to go also. I want to stay forever, but, I need a way to do that. You can even offer several ways. You need to be open to more terms, etc. You need to be open and ready for more terms potentially.

I’m trying to wait, and have hope, and be strong. But, my well of hope is running dry, I’m hanging on by threads to my strength, sanity, etc.
I want things to just back to the way they were before. Back before all this stuff happened. Because even though I am trying not to, I still love you. Please give me a reason to stay, show me that I’m worth the fight, and that it’ll be worth it to stay. Because right now, I need some good reasons to stay.

If I leave you, I know I’ll jeopardize people’s situations, and yes, safety. All I can say is that I need a sign, a reason, anything at this point. Because I’m getting desperate, running out of hope, faith and strength.
Dawn Bilpuch